Physical verses Verbal Abuse:

Physical abuse is easily identified. There is no doubt, once you have been hit, that you have been physically abused. You don’t second guess yourself because the bruises and scars are visible evidence that abuse has taken place. Verbal abuse is different. The damage is internal, there are no physical bruises or scars, just a wounded spirit and sense of self-esteem.

Sometimes your hurt feelings hurt others

Sometimes I think we forget that we meaning you and I or we all in the world have the choice to deal with our hurt and our feelings our own way but sometimes you forget that you being hurt or being down could hurt someone else. Kind of like a hurt puppy; you'd want to fix it. Well if someone loves you then they will want to fix you. We all know we can only fix ourselves so be whole be you so that way the ones you love don't get hurt thinking they don't make you happy enough in this life.

“You can cry, ain’t no shame in it. “

If you’re sad, express it. We’ve created ideas around crying today such that people repress themselves, which isn’t healthy.
Crying is a very natural thing for all of us. Don’t be ashamed about it just because you’re human.

Name Calling

Being called names by your spouse. Any negative form of name calling is unacceptable. If you feel that it is a put down, then it most likely is. There are names that are obvious and, without question abusive. Then there are the covert, veiled attempts to put a spouse down that are harder to identify. Verbal abusers love to use constructive criticism to beat a spouse down. If your spouse is constantly criticizing you, “for your own good,” be careful. This is the most insidious form of verbal abuse. 

original post 2-9-2013

“I’ve tried to block your memory to protect me from the pain, pretend I never knew you, and never heard your name. But the walls aren’t strong enough and I fight my tears in vain. The feeling came creeping through and the hurt is still the same. I wish I could forget you, or make you see me now. The pain will ease in time, and though I know it’s over and what we had is gone, the memories will live forever in a corner of my mind.”
She: God after a long time i saw him today, he looks so happy. He didnt noticed me but i saw him smiling, he looks so good and I miss him all over again. I know how i asked you to take care of him, to always make him safe and happy. I know how im asking you to make him feel love and even asked you to bring the right girl for him, someone who can take care of him, someone who will love him.  But why am I feeling this way God? im hurting, i dont understand, i should be happy for him but im not. I feel bad, it shouldn’t be this way

God: i understand, dont worry it is natural to feel that way. You will get better, i promise.

She: but God, Why? I dont like this feelings, it feels like my heart is breaking again… It took me a years to put the pieces back together and i thought im already okay but seeing him again makes it painful again. Why?

God: because you love.

She: Does it really have to hurt? 
 
God: yes....because that is how you will learn. You will be okay, can you please trust me? I am here, i will take that pain away, all you have to do is to let go, really just fully let go…everthing that is in your heart right now, that pain, anger, everything will go away! Trust me, i am here for you. i love you.

 "I remember feeling so hurt so down, I just wanted to crawl into my bed and DIE... I never thought I would get over the pain he caused me. I could have died and felt better then I was feeling because I felt so dead inside. However I can say that God was right and I'm not hurt by this man anymore. I'm finally okay spiritually and understand that I needed to be that hurt and needed to learn from it.”

ARE YOU STRONG?!

It's so curious:  one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief.  But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. 


Kinda reminds me of walking in through the garage and then going over and seeing the Kitchen table all set up and thinking about Grandpa. 


I'm almost willing to bet God didn't intend for us to not fall apart all the time. Is it human to be so strong or so called STRONG?! 


I looked up the word strong as I was studying tonight I was very curious as to what that word meant inside of the dictionary. This is what I came across.


strong  (strông)

adj. strong·er, strong·est

1.

a. Physically powerful; capable of exerting great physical force.

b. Marked by great physical power: a strong blow to the head.

2. In good or sound health; robust: a strong constitution; a strong heart.

3. Economically or financially sound or thriving: a strong economy.

4. Having force of character, will, morality, or intelligence: a strong personality.

5. Having or showing ability or achievement in a specified field: students who are strong in chemistry.

6. Capable of the effective exercise of authority: a strong leader.

7.

a. Capable of withstanding force or wear; solid, tough, or firm: a strong building; a strong fabric.

b. Having great binding strength: a strong adhesive.

8. Not easily captured or defeated: a strong flank; a strong defense.

9. Not easily upset; resistant to harmful or unpleasant influences: strong nerves; a strong stomach.

10. Having force or rapidity of motion: a strong current.

11.

a. Persuasive, effective, and cogent: a strong argument.

b. Forceful and pointed; emphatic: a strong statement.

c. Forthright and explicit, often offensively so: strong language.

12. Extreme; drastic: had to resort to strong measures.

13. Having force of conviction or feeling; uncompromising: strong faith; a strong supporter.

14. Intense in degree or quality: a strong emotion; strong motivation.

15.

a. Having an intense or offensive effect on the senses: strong light; strong vinegar; strong cologne.

b. Clear and loud: a strong voice.

c. Readily noticeable; remarkable: a strong resemblance; a strong contrast.

d. Readily detected or received: a strong radio signal.

16.

a. Having a high concentration of an essential or active ingredient: mixed a strong solution of bleach and water.

b. Containing a considerable percentage of alcohol: strong punch.

c. Powerfully effective: a strong painkiller.

17. Characterized by a high degree of saturation.

18. Having a specified number of units or members: a military force 100,000 strong.

19. Marked by steady or rising prices: a strong market.

20. Linguistics

a. Of or relating to those verbs in Germanic languages that form their past tense by a change in stem vowel, and their past participles by a change in stem vowel and sometimes by adding the suffix -(e)n, as sing, sang, sung or tear, tore, torn.

b. Of or relating to the inflection of nouns or adjectives in Germanic languages with endings that historically did not contain a suffix with an n.

21. Stressed or accented in pronunciation or poetic meter. Used of a word or syllable.

 

Pretty scary how the world makes people feel that the only one way to be is STRONG. I think we all need to have that moment and feel safe that it's okay to not always be strong.

I thought about you today....

Lately I've been wondering about Grandpa... how his health really is. How much time do we really have? A day a couple a few months, just the year or will we have more then the time we were told.

My brother and I went over there and it is becoming harder for me to see him look like he is pain. I almost want to stay away but I know I can't. I want to be a kid again and just be back on the kitchen table watching the family drinking and laughing and talking.

Do you know one thing is - my family always talked. They would talk and talk for days about any and everything. What I would give to live in that moment once again.

I'm scared of how I will feel the moment we loose him. I've also been thinking about Grandpa Tony so much lately. I miss him so much! I wonder if I will ever find a love like the love he had for Grandma... in two months it will be one year that we have been with out him.

Sometimes I think I don't want to go to the Ranch because I feel sad that he is not there. I know I said I love you enough I know for a fact I was there but it hurts so much.

I find myself trying not to think about it to much and trying to supress my feelings. I still don't think I have properly grieved. I want to hear him say is that my Chata... one more time - that level of excitment in his voice when I would call the house...

I can't really process how I feel exactly. I mean I can't let myself I have to hold it all together for everyone else in my life and I have responsibilities.. but I truly could use some time away.

I started to really think about all of this because a girlfriend of mine was crying earlier because of her stepdad and it just made me think about my dad and Grandpas.. I wish my dad was here...

I feel so alone.

my heart hurts I'm going to write in my journal later and rest...

Pain

Have you ever had someone very close to you hurt in front of you. Cry in front of you?

I'm sure we all have at one time or another. In some kind of a way someone has let go in front of you.

What do you do when it's someone you love so much? A family member or someone you care about more then anything?

Seeing them hurt makes you feel like someone is stabbing you in the heart.

I can help many people but when it's someone so close to me I almost feel like I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say.

You feel like your helpless. Tonight when I go to bed I'm going to go into deep prayer. I want to pray for guideance on how to be a great listener and on how to pour out God's love.

There are just some people whom I'd rather never hurt a second a moment in there lives and if I could take that pain and feel it myself instead I would in a heartbeat.

FAMILY & FRIENDS

It's important to me that everyone that means anything to me reads this:

It came to my attention that I could be making people feel the way sometimes I may feel. When we are young we are free and sometimes are schedules are so free that we are more readily available for the world or certain people.

Do you ever wonder or say why can't that person pick up the phone and call me? Why can't that person text me? Why hasn't that person been around?

Well I have and to be honest I shouldn't because the same could be said about me.

In the past couple years I've lost some very significant people in my life. My mom's side lost the male ROCK in the family at least I feel we did and my father's side lost our Great Grandma then shortly after that found out our Grandfather has a short time to be with us. My son lost his Grandma my ex Mother in law whom I loved very much and my Sisters and Brother also lost a aunt that went way to young and this is just to name a few.

I am not writing this to get into all of that as I came along way as I told myself I wouldn't let that get me as down as I was getting. However I did become very lost, very sad and felt so alone.

Do you know you can have some very close people to you and just feel one person isn't there and that can make you FEEL SO ALONE? Well yes it can.

This year when I heard about a couple very sad things I wanted to be super women and be there for everything but it was to hard.

I have a close couple friends that I use to be with all the time and I've not been the usual "ME" since I'm always around for everything and haven't been for awhile.

I could say WELL NO ONE HAS BEEN THERE FOR me through all of this stuff but I didn't really tell anyone about all of this stuff or how hard it was so what I will say is:

Life is busy for me but never to much to answer a call for you or open my door for you. I love you so much and that wont ever change.

Family~Our blood runs deep! God gave us an amazing crazy family and I love and miss you ALL! I'm here if you need me.

Right now my immediate family/school/work and some me time is my focus but that doesn't mean you don't matter, that I don't love you or that I'm not here.

My number is the same if you need it let me know.

Grief ~ Written for my girlfriend Mary

Grief can awaken us to new values and new and deeper appreciations. Grief can cause us to re-prioritize things in our lives, to recognize what's really important and put it first. Grief can heighten our gratitude as we cease taking the gifts life bestows on us for granted. Grief can give us the wisdom of being with death. Grief can make death the companion on our left who guides us and gives us advice.


None of this growth makes the loss good and worthwhile, but it is the good that comes out of the bad

Love you Mary~ my prayers are with you and your family.

Today was the services for the funeral... the beautiful part was letting the balloons go in the air.. the sad part truly tugged at my heart being my baby boy was just so hurt and sad... :(

Another passing in the family

It was a really hard Friday I picked up headed out and tried to help as much as possible to handle funeral arrangments... seems like it's unreal all funerals and stuff our family has been through.

My Tia passed last night....

It’s hard enough to cope with one death, but when multiple deaths occur at the same time or in close succession it can be downright overwhelming.

As I stopped in front of my house coming from Church my phone rang-it was my Brother-I could hardly understand him as he was crying-he called to tell me our Tia passed away. He says she went in for Heart Surgery & he thought she was alright but unfortunatly she is no longer with us.

May God be with my sisters and brother at this time. I'm still coming to reality about my Grandpa passing on April 8th, then they lost there Grandma a couple weeks ago and now our Tia...

It's truly been one of them years...

Dear God surround your angels around my family at this time. I can't stand hearing my Brother cry it breaks my heart.

The little things

It's been two weeks and yet it feels like now! It feels like so long ago! I have always said I am going to Grandma's but I meant to the house with both of them. Is that stupid? It's the little things. I'm thankful for everything I didn't miss. I'm so thankful I didn't try to get out of helping out for so many things. I always made myself available. I remember the long drives to Marysville to take them to Elk Grove and then all the way back to Marysville. Grandpa loved to eat and we always made sure to eat no matter what we were doing. That was the one thing he looked forward to, he held strong through all the millions of appointments.

I've made it a point-to try and not miss people. Time after time I miss people and have had people come and go out of my life.

I have always loved so hard and so much. It was painful to have people walk out of my life or for them to stay and hurt me.

I miss my Auntie Trine it's been 15 years and I miss her more then I could ever say. Now 15 years later I'm missing my Grandpa.

I know death is a part of life and that it happens and we have to deal with it. I just don't know how to wake up and tell myself that my Grandpa isn't here.

My son no longer has him here to talk to as a Grandpa and I'm thankful he has a good father but wish he had a good Grandpa for more years then myself.

*tear*sigh*

ALL THAT I HAVE

All that have now are memories.... and the stories that my Grandpa would tell (a great story teller he was) I'm happy he is not in pain and doesn't have to go to Dialysis ever again. I'm happy we danced together, I'm sad we wont dance together until we meet again. I'm happy my Auntie Trine Lynn Chavez is no longer and never going to be alone again. I can just imagine them both looking at all of laughing saying you silly kids it's great here. sigh*

I'm so blessed I've had a GREAT, WONDERFUL Grandfather my whole life....

(I will type more later)

Some Lessons in Life

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, if they be events, illnesses or relationships, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.

If someone hurts you, betrays you , or breaks your heart, forgive them. For they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to who you open your heart to.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and opening your heart and eyes to things you would have never seen or felt without them.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again.

Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you either.

You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life and then go out and live it.

-Daily Writing

Secret tears scar forever-

Do you have any idea how bad Chemo is?

As soon as I got past the shock of being told I had cancer, I wanted to learn more.

You never thought it could happen to you or a loved one
But when it does everything changes
Winter comes faster
And summer fades away
Oh, I hate cancer's pain.

Maybe you loose apart of yourself?

Maybe when you loose a baby you loose apart of yourself?

Maybe it changes you and your no longer who you once were.

What if you turn around and look back and the women you once were looking at in the mirror just isn't there anymore? You turn back and take a step forward, with tears in your eyes, no one knows your pain.

No one sees the broken heart you carry. No one sees how hurt you truly are. No one gets that nothing is the same! Nothing can be the same!

Your left with the weight you gained trying to keep him/her safe growing happy and precious.

You don't want to get out of bed, you feel like you just could loose yourself in time. You know that you must smile for the world but inside your bleeding.

Bleeding but not enough to die, just enough to feel the pain, to really know the pain.

I miss the sound of your movement, the sound of your heartbeat.

If I could see that God has you there with him, and know that there was a purpose then maybe I could try to understand.

Your told it will be okay that you will be okay, that everything happens for a reason. Well I am not a person that believes things happen for a reason, I believe that half of life is that way.

I know that in life you have to tell yourself that, to get through the hard moments.

Next time you walk down the street just imagine that person walking next to you can be so broken inside. You would be amazed to know how many people hold so much in.

maybe just maybe you loose apart of yourself......