I thought about you today....

Lately I've been wondering about Grandpa... how his health really is. How much time do we really have? A day a couple a few months, just the year or will we have more then the time we were told.

My brother and I went over there and it is becoming harder for me to see him look like he is pain. I almost want to stay away but I know I can't. I want to be a kid again and just be back on the kitchen table watching the family drinking and laughing and talking.

Do you know one thing is - my family always talked. They would talk and talk for days about any and everything. What I would give to live in that moment once again.

I'm scared of how I will feel the moment we loose him. I've also been thinking about Grandpa Tony so much lately. I miss him so much! I wonder if I will ever find a love like the love he had for Grandma... in two months it will be one year that we have been with out him.

Sometimes I think I don't want to go to the Ranch because I feel sad that he is not there. I know I said I love you enough I know for a fact I was there but it hurts so much.

I find myself trying not to think about it to much and trying to supress my feelings. I still don't think I have properly grieved. I want to hear him say is that my Chata... one more time - that level of excitment in his voice when I would call the house...

I can't really process how I feel exactly. I mean I can't let myself I have to hold it all together for everyone else in my life and I have responsibilities.. but I truly could use some time away.

I started to really think about all of this because a girlfriend of mine was crying earlier because of her stepdad and it just made me think about my dad and Grandpas.. I wish my dad was here...

I feel so alone.

my heart hurts I'm going to write in my journal later and rest...