I'm usually the Angel, the one that comes down and helps everyone.
I'm always getting it done.
It makes me feel so bad not to be able to DO MORE for people but truthfully honestly ....
what is hard is that for once in my life; I truly feel leveled ... grounded ... with all my eyes open seeing everyone but being so content in "ME"
I could die today and I will have changed a lot of lives, I will have went above and beyond, I will wish I was more there for my Son then anyone elses....
The irony behind all of this is ... I just got a huge news flash the other day....
I am my Mother... I am exactly how she was that drove me insane and hurt me so dam much. I felt like I was sitting there looking up saying "mom what about me?"
as she was the best Auntie in the world the greatest this and that .... but oh how I hurt inside. <
What a crazy thing in the world - where I could type something out and feel I just had a paid hour of therapy. However my heart hurts... because I fear I may have made my Son feel the pain I felt so unintentional.
The only fear I have is that .... I well... I came around and gave moms a chance ... I'm sure I gave her some hell but I want him to love me like that little boy that once ran into my arms... see as tears RUN DOWN my face and as MY HEART pours out I truly wonder {will I get to be a Grandma the way I let my Mom be one}
I'm so scared of this thought, question and frightened and not a single soul knows it... I believe that I truly am not going to be able to enjoy my happiness until I mend what I know was broken. Did I blame my mom for DAD... yes i did....Did I blame mom for being HURT...yes i did...
but as i CRY i say inside my heart DEAR GOD ..... what if.....if.... we mimic it all except my forgiveness to my Mom and my opened up eyes that helped me see she needed me and needed to know I was okay with our relationship -- that I actually did that...in fact I miss my Mom when I don't speak to her or see her.
It hurts my heart that I can't do all that I was doing for her; for my Grandma... i mean ***to never check my balance because I was frugal but loved spoiling my family. Well if this was a video diary you would see tears all over my face, eyeliner running down in which I am sure makes my face - one hot mess.***leave it to me to lighten the mood change the subject or avoid saying to much of how I feel.
As I cry all by myself in the middle of the night because most nights... well most nights I can't sleep - not when I'm wondering how my Son is inside about me about us. He's my baby, I love my baby boy so much and it kills me to think he could possibly not feel it. My loves so powerful but feels so insufficient...
Dear God,
I'm so sorry for everything I"ve ever done in my life and asking you begging you praying to you, for my relationship with my Son. Don't let me die feeling as though I've meant nothing, done nothing that mattered in this world... please because ... no matter what I've done in this life nothing matters or will if my dream of being a Mother was a nightmare to my Son. I've never hurt so much in my life; I could go back and relive my awful molestations, rapes and never tell a soul if I could just get a second chance. As awful as them memories, thoughts and the pain was - I would truly bare it all for him.
I feel as though I always worry about not making someone else feel bad that i hold in my emotions. So for the first time in a very long time I am truly thankful for my gift of writing. I've truly missed writing over the passed five months and I think the only way I'm going to remain sain and release the pain in a healthy good way. I'm so use to having a place to run to and hide, run to and cry and not a single person would know it or see it... they would just see the happy me. Don't get me wrong... I'm happy and it's not a fake smile put on but deep down inside I'm hurting.
Please let me cry it out somehow someway ... I need to find that time to myself and write again, release again and get out my true deep down feelings....
Anonymously me
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